Pregnant again

Pregnancy test kit taken on February 28.

When the pregnancy test kit came out positive one Tuesday morning, the first words that came to me was: "Oh no!"


A few minutes later, my husband Jay peeked inside our bathroom door with a grin on his face while I was still transfixed and caught in between that state of awe and shock.


Awe at another miracle of life and shock at the suddenness of it.


Hands on both my red and hot cheeks, I told him it's positive. And even though it was Jay that I was talking to, I believe that I sounded more like a panicked teenager than a married mother of one.


There were too many things on my mind all at the same time.


Wow. Another baby. Could it be a boy? Oh, I hope it's a boy this time. But Caitlin's not even a year old yet. I want to continue breastfeeding her. I am not ready to wean. She's still not ready to wean. Would pregnancy be a problem? What about tandem breastfeeding? How do we tell Caitlin that she's going to have a sibling soon? Has my body already recovered from my previous pregnancy? What will my labor be like this time? Will I still have time for myself and my hobbies with two children to take care of? Educational plans are costly.


To all these, Jay replied with a hug. I didn't even notice that I was talking out loud.


We checked with my OB-Gyne later that day. The ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy, but it did not capture any cardiac activity. So we were told to wait for another two weeks.


Unlike my previous pregnancy which felt like a breeze, I feel all sort of stomach aches, hunger pangs, headaches, and even acne outbreaks this early with this one. My tummy also gets too round when I am full and flat again when I am not. With my first pregnancy, I had to wait for five months before the visible bump showed and Jay didn't hear me complain even as I felt the contractions come in (I chose to be productive then).


Two weeks later, the ultrasound caught a heartbeat as my husband and Caitlin looked on. Eight weeks and three days, the sonographer told us on Mar. 16, and due on Oct. 23. It would have been more surreal had the sonographer let us hear the baby's heartbeat. Hearing it for the first time is like your child happily greeting you. It makes your heart melt and your eyes wet. But it must have been her time of the month so she was that mean despite my repeated requests.


As we leave the hospital, it still hasn't sunk in yet - even as the nightmares and cravings have returned, even as my tummy bulged, even as my husband kissed my belly and talked to his "son."


I am happy, although it didn't show much because I am scared too. I think I am more scared now than the first time because I've felt the pain and soreness of labor, delivery, and newborn care. Suddenly, I felt tired all over again due to disrupted sleep.


But through all these emotions is a husband who acts like an anchor, keeping me grounded and making me feel secure.


It will be different this time with Caitlin around, we know that. But just as I start to think about how difficult it could be, Jay reminds me of our beautiful blessing.


Our family of three is growing. Caitlin will have a playmate - something that we'd always hoped for. I am not getting any younger and another child at 30 is better than five years later. The experience of lamaze during labor is still fresh to us, and for Jay, the routine of checking in at the hospital and paying the bills.


The shroud of mystery and uncertainty brought in by the first born had been unlocked. I am more confident at breastfeeding now than when I was starting with Caitlin. For the many instances that we've relied on our instincts to take care of our first born, now we have the wisdom of that experience.


Thinking about the baby's gender, personality, how he or she would look like, and the many milestones he or she would achieve make me anxious and excited to meet our new bundle of joy.


Besides, if there is anything more wonderful than watching a child sleep, it's watching two!


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PS: I've written this entry weeks ago, but decided to time it's publishing today - a Holy Thursday. Same time last year, Jay and I were on our way home from the hospital with Caitlin and I've never been more scared in my life. It will only be just us two at home with a baby. There will no longer be a buzzer to press and call for a nurse to help us figure out her cries and discomforts. There will be no parents to share their vast experience with infants by our side. It will only be just the three of us, and I still recall how I asked my mom-in-law to stay with us even for the night as my husband quietly listened, sharing the same fears that I have without telling me. She didn't stay, and it was just us three for the whole of Jay's paternity leave. And surprisingly, we survived without any need to call for emergency to our relatives or rush to the hospital. Caitlin must have felt our fears and decided to go easy on us.


- Mommy Smiley